Living by your values : how to finally align your choices with your true nature
“Authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we’re supposed to be and embracing who we are.”
Brené Brown
You’re living someone else’s life. Without realising it. Your choices reflect others’ expectations, not your authentic values. The result? That constant sense of being out of sync. That unexplained exhaustion. That feeling you’re playing a role. Living by your values isn’t an Instagram concept. It’s a personal revolution. A concrete method to stop enduring and start choosing. Ready to rediscover your true nature?
Monday morning, difficult wake-up call. You drag your feet towards a job that drains you. You chain together conversations that don’t feel like you. You make decisions that leave a bitter taste. And in the evening, that nagging question: “What am I doing with my life?”
Living by your values is precisely the opposite of that feeling of being beside your own life. It’s that clarity which transforms your choices. That authenticity which attracts the right people. That self-confidence which comes from within.
Yet most people confuse values with pretty phrases found on Pinterest. They choose what sounds good rather than what truly resonates. They adopt the values they think they should have instead of identifying their authentic values.
In this article, we’re going to deconstruct the myths surrounding personal values. You’ll learn to recognise your true values through concrete exercises. We’ll address those delicate moments when your values conflict with reality. And most importantly, you’ll leave with practical tools to align your choices with your true nature.
Because living by your values isn’t a luxury reserved for others. It’s your most fundamental right.
What does “listening to your values” actually mean?
What it does not mean : beyond pretty words
Listening to your values is not just about choosing words that sound good on a vision board or in an inspiring speech. It is not simply a list of abstract principles or motivating phrases that we display without real connection. Too often, people confuse adopted values – those we think we should have because they are socially valued – with authentic values, which come from deep within ourselves.
Adopted values vs authentic values
Adopted values are often imposed by our environment, culture, or social expectations. For example, someone might say they value competition because it is valued in their environment, while deep down, they prefer cooperation. In contrast, authentic values are those that truly resonate with our personal experience, emotions, and intuition. They are often more subtle and require attentive self-listening to be identified.
The emotional signals : how your body alerts you
Your body is an excellent indicator to know if you are aligned with your values. When you experience a situation in line with your values, you often feel calm, satisfied, or energised. Conversely, discomfort, tension, or stress can indicate misalignment. Learning to recognise these emotional and bodily signals is a key step to better listening to your values.
Quick self-assessment : the sunday night test
A simple tool to start listening to your values is the Sunday night test. Take a moment each Sunday to ask yourself: “How do I feel about the week ahead?” If you feel enthusiasm and motivation, it may mean your activities are in phase with your values. If you feel anxiety or reluctance, it might be a sign that something needs to be re-evaluated.
The real discourse on identifying your core values
Beyond the instagram quotes
Often, when we talk about core values, we immediately think of the inspirational quotes found on Instagram or in self-help books. However, these ready-made phrases are not enough to reveal what truly matters to you. Deep values are not slogans to repeat, but principles that guide your choices, behaviours, and way of interacting with the world. It is therefore essential to go beyond this superficiality to enter into a sincere and personal reflection.
Why most people get this wrong (hint : they choose what they think they should value)
A common mistake in identifying values is selecting those that society, family, or even our own rational mind dictate as “good” or “acceptable.” For example, one might think that discipline, success, or kindness are values one should have, whereas in reality, other principles might resonate more deeply within us. This mismatch creates a form of inner dissonance, as we act according to imposed values rather than freely chosen ones. Recognising this tendency is a key step in identifying your true values.
Practical exerciset: The “what makes you furious?” technique
An effective method to discover your hidden values is to reflect on situations that make you deeply angry or frustrated. These strong emotions often indicate that your values are at stake. For example, if you become angry at injustice, this may reveal that justice is a central value for you. Take time to write down several recent experiences where you felt intense anger, then analyse what these moments reveal about what truly matters to you.
Practical exercise : the “Peak Moments” reflection
Another exercise consists of recalling the peak moments of your life, that is, the moments when you felt fully alive, aligned, and authentic. These positive experiences are often linked to the expression of your core values. Note these significant memories and identify the values they illustrate. This could be freedom, creativity, connection with others, or courage. This reflection helps balance the discovery of values between what outrages you and what inspires you.
How life experiences shape our values (and why that’s perfectly normal)
It is important to understand that our values evolve over time, influenced by our experiences, environment, and maturity. This process is natural and healthy, as it reflects our personal growth. For example, a person who has gone through a difficult period may develop a strong value of resilience or empathy. Recognising this dynamic helps you avoid being fixed to a rigid list of values and remain open to their evolution.
Reader engagement : “tell us about a time you felt completely yourself”
To deepen this process, take a moment to reflect and share a time when you felt totally authentic and in harmony with yourself. Which values were present in that situation? Sharing this, whether with a close person or in a personal journal, strengthens awareness and helps you better understand what truly defines you.
When your values enter conflict with reality?
Living authentically is not always a straightforward path. It often happens that our core values clash with the demands of daily life, creating what can be called the “messy middle of authentic living.” This intermediate zone is frequently a source of tension, doubt, and inner conflict. Understanding how to navigate these situations is essential to preserve one’s integrity while adapting to reality.
Common scenarios of conflict between values and reality
In everyday life, several contexts can cause a clash between our beliefs and our environment :
- Workplace politics : It is not uncommon to face practices or decisions that go against our ethical principles. For example, having to participate in questionable compromises or power games can undermine our sense of honesty or justice.
- Family expectations : Family often imposes norms or expectations that do not align with our own values, whether regarding career, lifestyle, or personal relationships. This gap can create feelings of guilt or rebellion.
- Social pressure : Social norms, trends, or external judgments can push us to act against our convictions, out of fear of rejection or marginalisation.
Why compromise is not always the enemy?
Contrary to popular belief, making compromises does not necessarily mean betraying one’s values. It is rather about finding a balance between what is desirable and what is possible. Compromise can be an intelligent and respectful strategy that allows us to preserve important relationships while remaining true to ourselves. It is crucial to distinguish acceptable compromises, which do not betray the essence of our values, from concessions that dangerously distance us from our integrity.
Case study : three real-life dilemmas and values-based thinking
To better understand this dynamic, let us examine three concrete situations where individuals faced conflicts between their values and reality :
- An employee confronted with an ethical dilemma : She discovers a dubious practice in her company. Rather than immediately reporting it, she chooses to engage in dialogue with her superiors, seeking a solution that respects both transparency and team cohesion.
- A young adult facing family expectations : He wishes to pursue an artistic career, but his family insists on a more “stable” path. By explaining his motivations and proposing a concrete plan, he manages to establish a respectful compromise.
- A person under social pressure to adopt a particular lifestyle : She decides to set clear boundaries while remaining open to dialogue, which allows her to maintain relationships without denying her personal choices.
These examples illustrate how values-based reflection can guide decision-making in complex contexts.
The art of setting boundaries without burning bridges
Knowing how to say no or set boundaries is an essential skill for living in accordance with one’s values. However, this should not come at the expense of relationships. The art of setting boundaries consists of clearly expressing one’s needs and convictions with respect and empathy, avoiding unnecessary judgment or confrontation. This fosters a climate of trust and mutual understanding, allowing strong bonds to be maintained even in the face of disagreement.
Practical alignment in everyday life
In this section, we will explore how to integrate your personal values into everyday life through simple yet powerful practices. The goal is to show that even small changes can lead to significant shifts in the way we live and make decisions.
“Small changes, big shifts”
It is often tempting to think that aligning your life with your values requires drastic transformations. However, small, regular adjustments are enough to create a profound impact. For example, taking a few minutes each day to reflect on what truly matters to you can positively guide your choices and behaviours. These small tweaks, accumulated over time, strengthen the coherence between our actions and our beliefs.
The values audit : quick weekly check-ins with yourself
An effective tool to stay connected to your values is the weekly values audit. This involves dedicating a short moment once a week to review your recent actions and decisions. You might ask yourself simple questions like : “Have I acted in accordance with my values this week?”, “Which situations were difficult to handle?“, or “Where could I better embody my principles?”. This ritual fosters awareness and allows for quick course corrections.
How to make values-based decisions (even small ones)?
Making decisions based on your values does not only concern major choices. Every decision, even minor ones, can reflect what is important to us. To do this, simply ask yourself : “Is this decision in harmony with my values?”. For example, choosing to say no to an invitation that doesn’t suit your need for rest or opting for an ethical product when shopping. This conscious approach transforms daily life into a space for authentic expression.
Actionable tips
The “10-minute rule” for difficult decisions
For complex decisions, the 10-minute rule is a practical tip : before responding or acting, take ten minutes to calmly reflect on your values and their implications. This pause reduces impulsive reactions and allows decisions to align with what truly matters.
Creating values-based habits
Building habits based on your values is a powerful lever for living coherently. For example, if generosity is a core value, establish a weekly routine of volunteering or small acts of kindness. These habits reinforce personal commitment and make it easier to maintain alignment over the long term.
The power of Saying “let me think about that”
Saying “let me think about that” is a simple but effective phrase to gain time when faced with a request or proposal. It prevents hasty decisions that might conflict with your values and opens the door for deeper reflection.
Interactive element : values-based goal setting worksheet
To make this approach even more concrete, it is useful to use an interactive values-based goal setting worksheet. This type of tool guides you step-by-step in identifying your key values, formulating aligned goals, and planning specific actions. It is a pedagogical tool that turns theory into practice.
Building relationships that honor your values
In this section, we will explore how to establish authentic relationships that respect your core values. It is about creating a social circle that truly reflects who you are, while navigating differences with kindness.
Your tribe reflects your vibe
The expression “your tribe reflects your vibe” means that the people around you often mirror your energy, beliefs, and behaviours. By cultivating an attitude that is sincere and consistent with your values, you naturally attract individuals who share or respect those same principles. This does not mean you should seek only clones, but rather people with whom you can build a relationship based on trust and mutual respect.
To strengthen this idea, it is important to :
- Be aware of your own values : Clarify what is essential to you.
- Express these values through your actions : Consistency is key.
- Choose your social circles carefully : Prioritise quality over quantity.
How to communicate your values without being preachy
Communicating your values can sometimes seem delicate, especially if you fear being perceived as moralising or too insistent. To avoid this pitfall, it is essential to adopt an authentic and respectful approach.
Here are some practical tips :
- Use “I” rather than “you” : Speak about what you feel and think, rather than criticising the other.
- Share your personal experiences : Telling an anecdote allows you to show rather than impose.
- Listen actively : Show interest in different points of view, creating an open dialogue.
- Be patient and humble : Values are not transmitted by force, but by example.
Dealing with friends/partners who don’t share your values
It is common to have friends or partners in your circle whose values differ from yours. Rather than creating conflicts, it is possible to adopt a posture of tolerance and understanding.
Some effective strategies :
- Identify non-negotiable values : Know what you can and cannot accept.
- Communicate your boundaries clearly : Express what bothers you without judgement.
- Look for common ground : Focus on what unites you rather than what divides you.
- Accept diversity : Understand that difference can enrich the relationship.
The magnetic effect of authentic living
Living in accordance with your values produces a powerful magnetic effect. This authenticity naturally attracts sincere people and creates deep, lasting relationships. By being yourself, you release a positive energy that inspires trust and admiration.
The benefits of this authenticity are multiple :
- Strengthening self-esteem
- Richer and more genuine relationships
- Reducing stress related to appearances
- Creating a harmonious social environment
Reader question : how do you handle it when someone close to you acts against your values?
This question touches on a sensitive point. When someone close to you acts against your values, it is important to :
- Take a step back to understand their motivations
- Calmly express your feelings
- Avoid hasty judgements
- Seek constructive dialogue
- Accept that some differences cannot always be resolved
Sometimes, it also involves reassessing the place of this person in your life, without cutting ties impulsively.
Conclusion
For further exploration – expert references:
- “The Four Agreements” by Don Miguel Ruiz – On personal authenticity
- “Daring Greatly” by Brené Brown – On vulnerability and authenticity
- “The Power of Now” by Eckhart Tolle – On self-awareness
- Dr Russ Harris – Specialist in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy
Related articles from The Good Friend blog :
- “How to create habits that genuinely transform your life”
- “The art of saying no without guilt: a practical guide”
- “Toxic relationships: 5 warning signs you can’t ignore anymore”
- “Self-confidence: why authenticity beats perfection”
